The Oscars

So, a night of shameless self promotion and back-patting came and went with a fizzle at the Fox household. Yes, once I grew weary of the endless bickering between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton during the Texas Democratic Presidential Primary Debate, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and switch to the Academy Awards. Who needs presidential primary debates when you can get all your relevant political insight from host, Jon Stewart's, facetious, left-slanting commentary. Since it didn't even "start" until after my daughter's (and husband's, for that matter) bedtime, I was stuck by my holey-sweatpants-and-stretched-out-waffle-weave-shirt-wearing-and-plate-of-Skinny-Cow-ice-cream-sandwiches-eatin'-self watching the botoxed and liposucked beauties strut to the microphone to announce the nominees & winners. (Nothing like watching the likes of Heidi Klum and her amazing crimson sillouette to make me wish for a rematch with the Norovirus, and then along comes Jennifer Hudson and her game of side-boob peek-a-boo, and I feel much better.) And I say "start," because, really, the only part (in my opinion) worth watching is the whole pre-award show glam-a-thon on the red carpet. I like to equate the worldwide audiences' enthusiasm to know who won the award for "Best Sound Editing" to that of Mary So-and-so winning an AICPA (American Institute of Certified Public Accountants) award for "Best State Sales Tax Avoidance Scheme." The only difference being, Harry Winston and Dontella Versace were not banging down poor ol' Mary's door, and instead, she was stuck with her sales lady from Ann Taylor as her stylist and a diamond heart pendant from Kay Jewelers as her little item of "bling, bling."

And what award night wouldn't be complete without a coked-up Gary Busy violating young startettes on the red carpet? And speaking of violating young starlettes, what about Ryan Seacrest? Every network's go-to guy for hosting television events, apparently needs to take a lesson from Miss Manners when it comes to appropriate lines of questioning. Asking Jessica Alba if she is "going to breastfeed", or "what's the process going to be," was a little gauche, if you ask me. But all together less horrific than Joan River's roughhewn interviews (and looks, for that matter.) And he'll still have a job on American Idol...lucky S.O.B.! All I can say is poor Dunkelman.

Criticism aside, my family did celebrate with our annual, over-the-top, extravagant, Hollywood-award-night-worthy dinner fare of "Oscar"-meyer hotdogs, chips and salsa! We pulled out all the stops, including ketchup and mustard, when it came to our little Oscar night shin-dig!

In closing, I'll leave you with some of Stewart's memorable quotes from last night:

"You have to admit, this is a huge election. A historic election. So much excitement. For the first time in so many years we don't have an incumbent president or an incumbent vice-president. The field is wide open. Have you all had a chance to examine all the candidates, study their positions and pick the Democrat you'll vote for?"

"Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty. How will we know it's the future? Silver unitards, that can't be all?"

"You have to give Barack Obama credit, he's overcome a great deal. Not just he's an African-American. Barack Hussein Obama is his name. His middle name is the last name of Iraq's former tyrant. His last name rhymes with Osama. That's not easy to overcome. I think we all remember the ill-fated 1944 presidential campaign of Gaydolf Titler. It's just a shame, Titler had so many good ideas. We just couldn't get past the name. And the moustache."