Operation Phone Conversation

Have you ever tried to have a normal conversation on the phone while caring for a toddler? It's impossible, unless they're napping of course. Here is a sample phone call I had recently with a survey representative wanting to know about my recent oil-change experience at the local Jiffy Lube:

Me: Hello?

Survey Rep: Good afternoon, may I speak with Polly Fox, please?

Me: Speaking

Survey Rep: Yes, ma'am, I'm calling about your....

Me: No, no, no, you cannot have a banana, you just had one an hour ago!

Survey Rep: Um....about your recent visit to Jiffy Lube in Jacksonville, FL. Is that correct, ma'am? Were you a customer at Jiffy Lube recently?

Me: Yes, I was. What did Mommy just say? WHAT did I just say? Put the banana back, right now! You've had two already. For God's sake, you're not going to poop for a month!

Survey Rep: Ma'am, is this a bad time? I can call you back when it's more convenient.

Me: No, no. Now is fine. There is no such thing as a convenient time around here, anyway. I'm sorry for all the interuptions, please continue.

Survey Rep: Yes, Mrs. Fox. To begin, on a scale of one to ten (one being the worst)how would you rate your overall experience at your most recent....

Me: Get down from there right now! You are going to break your neck trying to climb up there. Do you hear me! Don't make me do the count down. Okay....one....two....three! That's it, come here! You are in Time Out young lady! You sit there until I tell you you can get up!

Survey Rep: Um, your most recent visit to Jiffy Lube, can you rate it please on a scale of one to ten?

Me: I would have to say it was a nine.

Survey Rep: Okay, and how would you rate the timeliness of the service on that same....

Me: Get back in that chair until mommy says you can get down!

Survey Rep: ....scale?

Me: I would give it a 10. We didn't wait that long.

Survey Rep: How about the customer service, on that same one to ten scale, please?

Me: Excuse me a sec....okay, time-out is over....are you going to listen to Mommy next time? Good. Can you go play with your kitchen set or Little People while Mommy is on the phone? Okay. I'm back. Sorry about that.

Survey Rep: No problem. The customer service, how would you rate that Mrs. Fox?

Me: Yes, I know I promised to bring you to the park, but Mommy is on the phone right now. We will go when I am done. Um, the customer service was a ten, too. They were really nice there.

Survey Rep: Wonderful. Now, how would you rate the appearence of the waiting area...on a one to ten scale?

Me: No, I am not done yet. You will know when I am done, because I will not be holding the phone to my ear! Please go play with your toys. NO, no, no! You can NOT have an icee pop!

Survey Rep: The appearance of the waiting room, Mrs. Fox?

Me: Oh, yes, I apologize. NO, you cannot have chocolate OR jelly beans...you only get those when you use the potty! I would say the appearance was a...um...ten.

Survey Rep: Just a few more questions and we'll....

Me: Put your clothes back on right now! How are we suppose to go to the park if you have no clothes on? Well, if you are going to use the potty, then USE THE POTTY! You can't just run around here naked. Get off the couch!

Survey Rep: ...be done.

Me: I'm so sorry. Actually my entire experience with Jiffy Lube was a ten. Can you just write "ten" for all the rest of my responses?

Survey Rep: Yes, ma'am. I will do that. You have a wonderful day.

Me: Thank you. You too.